Happy New Year 2024

 今年對我來說是一個新開始，

因為我真的要結束我“念書”的日子了。

想得到很久的master也在去年得到了。

但是我沒有想像中的激動，開心一定的。

我現在面臨的問題確實身份曖昧，

我必須重新定義我的專業身份。

同時我的生活也有很多的不確定性。

如果要說，感覺上3天3夜都說不完。

還是其實是我自己想太多。

暫時不想，先為自己想想今年的新年願望

1. 身體健康 - 包括減肥成功

2. Be wiser

3. 搬出去自己住

4. 去一個沒有去過的城市旅行

5. 找到適合自己的工作

6. 讓自己滿意和穩定的收入

Easy On Me - Adele

 因为一些原因我听了这首歌，

我没有想到这首歌那么的有影响力。

因为听着听着我想到了一些事，

然后我开始热泪盈眶。

我很久没有哭过了，就算之前PhD最压力的时候我也没有哭。

Cap说我在压抑我的情绪，但是当下我没有选择，因为哭解决不到我的问题。

但是我在打一通不得不打的电话的时候我哭了。

听着这首歌，我知道原来一直以来我都非常的hard on myself,

一样的，我在cognitive level理解，但是情绪上我好像跟不上。

这首歌应该是把我的情绪给带上了吧。

因为它从另一个角度在倾述。

上网看了一些资料，

Adele说的大概是希望她的儿子可以go easy on her about her divorce and her choices。

虽然我领悟到的是不一样的意思，

但是我觉得他们都有异曲同工之妙。

我忽然觉得我内心的小孩在叫我自己go easy on ME!

尤其是这一段，

Go easy on me, baby
I was still a child
I didn't get the chance to
Feel the world around me
I dad no time to choose
What I chose to do
So go easy on me

而那个链接是透过我的侄女，

就在刚才她被妈妈打了一下，她非常的委屈，但是她却不说，

直到我姐抱着她，她才说。

我想抱她的，可是她不肯，所以我也不强迫她了。

最近我做了一个决定，一个不被一些朋友认同的决定。

所以我没有告诉他们，但是我有告诉一些其他人。

我还没有准备好告诉他们，因为害怕被judge和他们的不理解。

但是其实他们不是我，他们真的不懂的，尤其是当他们什么都有的时候。

而且是我想要有的。

有时候我在想，上天用了10年来和我开了一个玩笑，

但是我知道，这一切一定有原因的。

如果这个机会在10年前发生，那我会很兴奋和开心的，

同样，我应该也会很大压力。

现在的我，压力也很大，但是我更珍惜这得来不易的机会。

我也必须牺牲一些事情，不，是很多，

但是我愿意。

生活，真的很难。

可是我们都没有选择被生下来和活着的权利，

但是我们可以选择的大概就是如何活着吧。

我希望我可以有意义的活着，

虽然生命本来就是没有意义的。

但是我希望我可以为我的生活和生命赋予意义。

Today in MYstory! PhD Viva

 个人比较低调，相较于在social media post这个消息。

我比较希望可以用这个方式来纪念今天。

今天我顺利的完成了我的 PhD viva...

我紧张了很多天，也经历了前所未有的压力。

以前的我是从来没有那么紧张过的，

我有paralyse和窒息的感觉。

现在的我，更加可以感同身受的同理我的个案。

虽然我都有用我教个案的方式来协助自己，可是真的很难！

我一度以为我会心脏病发、缺氧而X。*你懂的*

感谢我妈妈，当我的精神支柱。

烧香拜佛，一样都不少呢！

难得有机会更新，就上张照片纪念吧！

#Phdviva #vivasurvivor

可是还有一段路才真的完成呢~~~但是这一刻的我，是放松和开心的。。。

过后的压力和烦恼，就过后才烦吧！

现在的我要好好的休息了。

我很久没有经历那么放松的时刻了。

一直以来，PhD都在back of my mind, bothering me...

现在是真的可以放下心头大石的时候了。。。

ps:如果是以前的我，现在可能在外面用餐和庆祝之类的吧。

现在的我，除了休息一会，和外甥女玩了以后，就写了这篇“博文”。

然后，现在要专心做完我在UCSI大学的工作了。

看来一边工作，一边读书的人是连庆祝的时间都没有啊~

毕竟因为疫情，其实如非必要，一半步不出闺门呢~~~

也不会主动约人聚餐，因为觉得还是留在家为妙！

#stayhome #staysafe #covid19

对自己的新发现

 以前和我妈吵架的时候，我妈总喜欢说我是孤独精，和鬼都不“夹”。

*广东话*

以前的我，不认同她说的，更觉得我有朋友，我不是孤独精。

可是慢慢的长大以后，我发现到其实我可能真的是一个孤独精。

可能20几岁的我，朋友时不时还会邀约一同出去。

但是随着他们结婚生子，我的社交生活就静了下来。

没有结婚的朋友也有各自的生活，

而我也甚少打扰他们。

如果没有人找我出去，我是不会或应该说很少主动找别人出去的。

除非是我觉得ok的朋友，或是时间刚好可以。

例如我们工作的间隙有时间，那就一起吃个饭吧。

就这样而已。

加上其实我是一个很慢热的人，

我不会一下子就和别人熟起来。

看到我弟弟的老婆结婚有小孩后和朋友出去的次数比我还多的时候，

我不禁反省，其实不是因为朋友结婚生子以后减少联络，

很可能是我本来就是一个比较孤独的人。

我星期一到星期日都会工作，有工作我就会做。

不会特别的安排时间休息。

除非有旅行、外出。一般不会是我主导。

别人不找我，我不会没有事就找人出去。

我姐说因为我妈以前都不喜欢我们出街的，所以无形中也让我们养成了这样的性格。

可能吧，但是我也渐渐的理解到，如果我不要过socially isolated的生活，

我必须主动找朋友和交新朋友，不然我会越来越孤独。

我必须踏出那一步。

因为我不想成为一个孤独老人。

其实也因为最近几个月我有很多东西烦，

但是可以分享的朋友其实很少，

一些朋友因为他们工作繁忙，我也不好意思打扰他们。

很可能和朋友渐行渐远的过程就是这样开始的吧，

当大家都为生活忙碌也各自在人生不同的阶段时，

大家有不同的priorities,虽然再见还是朋友，

但是总有一点隔阂，

虽然大家不明说，但是我觉得大家是感觉得到的。

我很庆幸前段这段时间Shum Pei San在KL,

因为只有她在RMCO可以也愿意花时间在我的身上。

*ShumPeiSan谢谢你！*

虽然我给了你很多负能量，可是你没有嫌弃我，

谢谢你，希望有一天你会看到这篇道谢文。

我也有当面感谢过你，可是可能不明显。

Kundasang/Ranau - Kinabalu Pine Resort

Hmm, I think this is the very first accommodation that I have decided to post a shout out in my blog.

When I was planning for my trip in Kota Kinabalu, we were looking for a place to spend the night which is comfortable, near, and with a good view of mount KK after hiking the famous Kinabalu Mountain.

We kinda plan this trip with a short notice and we spent a decent amount of time in training and getting the right gears for the hike. However, we took leisure in planning the accommodation because we were undecided of what to do and some of us had different ideas as to what to do after the hike.

As usual, when there's lack of consensus, a lot of discussions were going on and at a certain point, I was so frustrated that I just gave in and let my friends decide on what to do because I have tried my best to accommodate everyone's needs and to coordinate with our travel agent.

Both of them were headstrong where I just couldn't take it anymore. However, I did remain composed and tried to settle it while luckily, one of my friends was very helpful and did her part into helping me to get things sorted out before our departure. It was finalized at last and we manage to get our accommodation in Kinabalu Pine Resort despite it was stated as fully book in the websites we checked. 

However, we managed to sort things out and the travel agent manage to book a room in this resort for us and I feel no regrets in paying extra for the stay

My money was definitely well spent!

I have always wanted to stay in a place with a terrace and it was a dream come true moment for me when I reached there. Furthermore, it has really good view and I managed to spend some time sitting in the terrace at night alone and enjoyed the serenity. I felt really calm despite just finished my hike and the weather was cold too. I like it so much except that it was really cold, which was something that I wasn't prepared for. 

I think I will definitely revisit here because I seriously think that it's such a well maintained place with a very serene vibe and great scenery!!!

I'm amazed by how they are managing their place because both Kinabalu Park and the room here didn't have any smell that usually lingers in a wet and wood building.

If you're interested, I would strongly recommend you to book early and you can contact them through this website!

Kinabalu Pine Resort

http://kinabalupineresort.com/

Postcard 不翼而飞事件

今天我和Jeng Mun, Chee Khong, 还有Ji Kwan一起去注册我们未来的公司。

Chee Khong再一次问了我们真的没有收到他从巴黎寄给我们的postcard吗？

大家都说没有。

他说他很心痛，因为它们很贵。而且是比较漂亮的，其他一起寄出比较普通的都有收到了。

我们的group有一个习惯，大家收到postcard都会拍照告诉寄postcard的人说我们收到了。

虽然这件事是CK比较心痛，可是我只是想记录下来我有过一张从巴黎寄出而没有收到的postcard.

而且他提了两次，所以他大概真的很在意吧。

CK,虽然没有收到postcard,可是还是谢谢你的心意！

但是我还是不知道为什么我们收不到。因为用过的postcard还可以recycle吗？

Update: 昨天（24/8/2017）终于收到了CK寄来的postcard。
大约用了2个月的时间吧。。。因为寄出的日期是29/6.
我第一时间就告诉了他。Mia也在同一天收到。

其实这还真的是很特别的一张postcard,而且也和之前的不同。
Ck，谢啦！

520 MOM

When I saw those posts on 520 on my FB wall, 

I realized that it was such a coincident!!

Because I purposely drove my mom to Genting for a lunch!!! 

Before you judged that it was luxurious to go to Genting for a lunch,
*indeed, it takes a lot of effort*

it was because my mom had a voucher for two person for an abalone meal. 

Considering that it'll take around 3 hours of driving back and forth, 

my mom was asking if this is costing too much effort for a voucher as well. 

She doesn't feel quite right to do that but I told her that it was fine. 

This is because I realized that I have been very busy with my own stuff and I didn't have time to accompany her at all. Before I have my active private practice and Olivia's presence, 

I'll at least go out with her in the weekend either for lunch or for grocery shopping. 

But as things get busier while she's tired from taking care of Olivia during the day,

she rarely wants to go out at night and we don't have the common free time as well. 

Honestly, I was too lazy and tired to go out as well. 

Therefore, I thought that it would be a great idea as well. 

Coincidentally, I have no clients today after 10am.
As much as I hope to be busier!

But I guess God planned this for us.
It seems that everything worked out by itself and off we went to Genting for the abalone meal!

Grilled mushroom

Chicken soup

My mom was cutting the abalone diligently making sure that it doesn't "fly" off her plate and warn me to do the same. ;p

Look at the abalone!!! 

First time in my life to taste such a big abalone all by myself!

IT's delicious although a lil too salty for me, it was very chewy too!

That's why my mom had difficulty in chewing them...

Dessert: Red bean mochi

Even though it was not a planned celebration, 

but I'm grateful that I did something special with her. =) 

13/05/2017

Pre-mother's day celebration with my sister and my mom at Chakri Palace in KLCC!
It's Thai food!

The healing effect of saying goodbye

I guess I am not good and not used to saying goodbye...

I hate it when I have to say goodbye formally making it as if we are not going to meet each other forever...

When I was younger, we used to have farewell parties for friends furthering their studies abroad, when people leave a work place and or leave to work somewhere else and etc...

I never felt good when I'm saying goodbye in farewell parties...

However, I experienced something different this time round.

I went to the gym as usual the other day and this high school friend goes to the same gym and we often say hi when we meet in the gym...

Otherwise, we don't really keep it touch or meet outside of the gym..

Yet, the feeling of seeing someone familiar when I go to the gym does bring a certain degree of comfort to me...

At least I don't feel that I'm all alone...

I am a slow to warm up person, so despite I have been going to the same gym for more than a year now, I didn't make any friends.

Back to what I want to share, my friend approached me after the class and told me that she's leaving the coming Friday to New York for two years because of her work. 

As much as I was surprised since it was a sudden news, I felt "good" after hearing it despite it was a goodbye. 

I felt good because she took the time to tell me that she's leaving Malaysia and will be in NYC for two years. She didn't have to tell me really, but I really appreciate her taking the effort to tell me a simple goodbye. 

We didn't even have time to have dinner before she left!

But I guess that's the beauty of saying goodbye and it reminds me of how nice if all of us get to say a short, simple, and sweet goodbye to the people we love before we leave this world so that people who are left "behind" in this world get to heal from the lost. 

Sadly, the truth is we rarely get to saying this simple goodbye in a calm way. Rather, a lot of us left this world unexpectedly or denying that we are leaving while the people who are left behind are left with nothing but reminiscent of the happy times as well as sad moments. 

Finally, I hope that all is well for her in New York and I did propose to my friend that let's visit NYC then. I have never really planned on going to NYC for a trip, so does my friend. 

Throughout my life, I have always knew that I will visit Europe one day. But life seems to disagree with it and would like me to visit NYC before Europe and I have decided to just go with the flow and grab whatever travel opportunity that arise. 

"Picnic"

稍微认识我的朋友都知道我有多怕晒太阳，

我的朋友很爱开玩笑的叫我puteri lilin,因为我都说我晒太阳会融化。

其实我是怕晒黑，因为我妈从小就灌输我一白遮三丑的观念。

毕竟人都不美了，唯有希望由白这件事让自己看起来没有那么丑。

以前的我不明白为什么国外的人那么喜欢晒太阳和在大太阳下野餐。

我知道他们的冬天很冷，可是我自己就觉得在太阳下野餐很热和不舒服啊。

直到我在春天去了Perth的King's Park时，我才发现原来国外是那么适合野餐的天气。

天气很好，虽然太阳很大，可是风是冷的，而且很干；

在太阳下走也不会觉得热或是出汗感觉粘粘的。

附近工作的人都会到哪里吃午餐。

一些人自备午餐，而一些人则买午餐到哪里吃，好悠闲的感觉。

而且也可以从繁忙的工作当中得到一丝的宁静吧。

好享受哦~~~

这次从东京回来后发现，我最想念的竟然是悠闲的逛Meguro River的那天。

虽然没有把整条河走完，樱花也还没有满开，
可是至少算有享受到赏樱的感觉。

我们在途中也买了香槟和takoyaki来吃。

也拍了一些照片。

还有一些日本人在那里画画。

比较可惜的是哪里的人潮很多，所以你等不到可以拍照的时间。

虽然人多，但是幸运的事那里的人不会推着你走，大家会慢慢的顺着人潮走。

所以overall的感受还是positive的。

那天的天气也是最好的一天，因为没有下雨。

Show's Crazy World Tour 11.03.2017

什么？罗志祥演唱会的免费门票？

那我当然要看啊。

其实我不是他的粉丝，更不会唱他的歌。

连他的热门曲也不懂，可是既然是免费的，

而且又是我认识的艺人的演唱会，那当然不要错过啊！

就这样，我和我姐去看了这场演唱会。

还以为免费的，位置应该不怎么样，可是我错了，是PS2的票，而且还蛮正中间的。

看得到舞台，罗志祥也不会太小个。

看完以后我弟和他老婆问我们觉得好看吗？

我就说我觉得还好罢了，就像看一场表演。

可能因为我不会他的歌吧，而且我觉得他很多歌都没有唱完，

有点偷鸡的感觉。

这是他们就说演唱会都是这样的啊~~~

而且他还要跳舞。

我回说可是我之前看方大同的演唱会不是这样的。

可是他们说不可以这样比，

我心想那好吧。

我姐也一直说我很奇怪。

其实我的第一个反应事很生气，为什么我有要求就要被标签为奇怪呢？

可是我不敢反驳她，因为我想要避免不必要的争吵。

这时我也想起了CK说过的话，

他说其实我们都是奇怪的人，所以才会谈得来啊~

我一直以来都拼命的在否认这件事。

可是慢慢的，我越来越接受到其实我真的是很奇怪的人。

所以当我在检视着为什么我会生气的时候我发现到，

其实我只是不喜欢被标签为奇怪的人罢了。

对她来说，我可能真的是一个很怪的人啊。。。

而且可能她的表达方式不一样吧，

对于不接受她的norm的人来说，对她来说就是属于奇怪的人啊。

我想通了以后，就觉得可能我们真的有不同的要求吧。

只不过她表达的方式比较伤人而已。

其实我希望的只不过是至少acknowledge我的看法，然后再提出她的看法就好了。

没有必要标签我，也伤了我。

而我会生气，这也是我自己需要reflect的地方。

奇怪就奇怪啊，只要接受到自己原来是这样奇怪的人以后，

就不再对于被标签为奇怪而反应过大啊。

我就是那么奇怪的人，

以后也会做更多所谓“奇怪”的事情。

虽然没有到我奇怪可是我自豪的地步，

可是我希望以后当别人说我奇怪时，

我可以在不是defensive的状态下承认我就是一个奇怪的人，

因为那个奇怪的人就是我。

"你不是一个很爱说话的人吧？"

曾经也有人说过在认识我以前觉得我事一个很静的人。

我的朋友听到的那一刹那都在爆笑。。。

那天我去facial的时候帮我第2次做facial的人就说了标题的那句话。

但是我有点认同他们口中所说的我。

其实我是一个很慢热的人，

所以在不熟的人的面前我不是一个多话的人。

在慢慢的熟悉了以后我才会开始多话。

而且大家都会觉得我很吵的程度。

自己一个人去旅行的时候也发现到其实不说话到让我感到平静。
虽然有时候也会觉得如果有朋友在身边一起聊天也还蛮不错的，
但是有时候又觉得其实有朋友的话就会觉得必须和朋友聊天，
不然又好像忽略了她，可是我有时候就是想要静静的不说话啊，
所以我还蛮自相矛盾的。

我小时候就有因为和朋友在上课时说太多话而老师不让我们坐一起。

可是我们都会和老师说以后不会了，让我们一起坐吧。。。

就这样，我对我自己的认知也是我是一个多话和很吵的人。

但是随着年龄的增长和对自己更深入的了解后，

其实我觉得我不是一个很爱说话的人。

对我来说，如果我们不是很熟的朋友，

有很多事情我都不会想要说啊。。。

我只是在和朋友聊天时才会说我想说的话

有时候，工作回家实在是太累时，我是连话都不想说的，

也只有想说一些一定要说的话时才会说，

不然就是配合别人在聊天，有些时候却会连配合都不想配合，

因为实在是太累了。

再加上最近都有很多事情在烦，

所以我更不想说话。

其实有时候，无声胜有声。

因为我都已经不知道说什么才是对的了。

更不知道什么事是该说的，和什么事是不该说的了。

我只能够默默的承受着和接受那些正在发生和将会发生的事情，

因为我一点控制的能力都没有。

Again "烦"

别人去做gym运动都在lose fat, gain muscle;

偏偏我去做gym就连续两个月lose muscle, 

Lose muscle没关系，偏偏我还gain weight!
所以我的slogan大概就是lose muscle, gain weight.

那天房间里的体重器告诉我我重了。

我的defense mechanism立刻启动的问我姐体重器是不是坏了。

我姐还问为什么那么问？

我默默不语。

然后开始想我不应该skip那么多gym的？

再告诉我自己，人嘛，一定有胖和瘦的。。。
更何况我妈一直说她觉得最近我的腿有细了一点。
我都很奸诈的不回答，因为只有我自己知道其实我的体重上升了！
如果我告诉她的话，她的反应一定会很大，
然后不断的用她的方式来关心我的。
那就是骂我和不让我吃那么多。
还有在我吃饭时都会盯着我看然后说我胖得像猪了还一直吃之类的。

那天看到我的上师时，她关心我的健康之余，

也告诉我应该有好转吧，因为你看起来胖了。

胖！胖！胖！

什么？？？

看来我不能再欺骗我自己了，

要重新的开始去上body pump的class了。

之前偷懒，觉得body pump太累了，所以都只去上body combat.

现在又要开始上body pump了。。。

果然身体不会说谎啊~~~

可是有时候我上课时都会心不在焉的想，

其他人为什么那么勤劳的锻炼身体？

为什么要这样折磨自己？

如果不是因为健康问题，

我是不会这样来折磨自己的。

最重要的是，我还没有achieve到我的target weight和amount of muscle。

这条路好漫长哦，我好像都看不到终点。

去gym的好处2

因为种种的原因，我不得不牺牲我的weekend，去supervise学生的orientation camp。

其中的一项活动是爬山看瀑布。

一开始我并没有打算要跟他们一起去，

但是过了第一天的活动后，我担心会有什么事情发生。

而且那里太闷了，电话也没有信号。

所以我在第二天的一早就和他们一起爬山看瀑布。

我一开始以为是在铺了泊油的路慢慢的爬去看瀑布，

但是到了真正开始时，我吓到了。

我很久很久没有真正的在jungle trekking了。

里面的路都是人走出来的，并没有我想的所谓的泊油路。

很庆幸的是我有跟来，不然又什么事情发生的话，我责任重大啊！

更庆幸的是大家都没有受伤，也顺利的看完瀑布，最后安全的回到家。

写这些的原因是爬山回程时，有学生问我是不是很常爬山？

因为他们一路上都很关心我跟不跟得上和还好吗，

我每次都说还好，还可以。

而且我发现到我都没有很喘，如果是以前的我早就喊累了。

当有学生爬得很辛苦然后喊着他后悔没有继续去gym时，

我默默的想到，原来去gym还有这样的好处啊。。。

我很任性

我最近逼自己去gym逼得很紧，

因为我很任性，我想要eliminate我的menstrual是因为我的体重的关系的possibility。

这样我才可以确定究竟是我的hormone影响了我的menstrual还是我的体重影响了它。

一些人告诉我应该是hormone啦，毕竟一些比较重的人的menstruation是没有问题的。

可是我不是她们啊，

为了要确定的知道是体重问题还是hormone问题，

因为我有科学家精神

所以我决定了要继续逼自己，直到我的体重在正常的范围里为止。

*其实潜意识里可能是要把自己逼疯*

毕竟我的体重现在是在overweight的range里，

所以我反驳不到医生说的。

只好死死的多运动和吃少点咯！

*脑中一直无限重复医生对我说的吃少点！！！*
其实也不能怪医生啦，毕竟他每一次看我的时候我的体重并没有明显的下降啊。
所以也难怪他可能对我有“这个胖子就是爱吃，还死不肯减肥”的印象。

*写着blog时，肚子觉得很饿很饿*

阴谋论

最近出席一位朋友的婚礼时，拿起了很久都没有在用的化妆品。

化着化着，我就觉得发明化妆品的人有着天大的阴谋，

那就是要赚我们的钱。

因为从我有限的化妆品中，其实我需要买多一点才可以完整的化完一个妆。
可是基于我没有化妆的习惯，所以我都不会买很多化妆品。

回家后，猜猜看要做什么？

对了，卸妆！

购买卸妆品又是一笔钱。

化了妆、卸妆，再化妆、再卸妆。。。

这简直就是无限在重复的vicious cycle啊~~~

那不就是一直需要钱咯。。。

而且新的化妆品都层出不穷，简直就是要的女人的命和钱啊~~~

虽然说化妆品可以让我们变得更美，也让人更有自信，

可是要追溯到一开始为什么女人会化妆的原因，

才可以知道为什么化妆品会被发明吧。。。

有空再google一下。。。

暂时我还是觉得化妆品是有阴谋的被推出的。

但其实我要写的是，我深深的觉得化妆品是：

消耗品，更是消耗金钱与时间的奢侈品。

究竟是谁开始说出席重要场合必须化妆以示礼貌的？

*有空再google*

难道都没有人理会拥有敏感皮肤的人的感受吗？
而且化了妆又要卸妆的意义在哪里？
然后又要保养皮肤不被化妆品伤害。
这简直就是一个无底深渊啊~~

美食没事美食

因为健康关系，很久都没有吃到我想吃的食物了。

可是我还是买了很多很多的零食和巧克力，

幻想着当我可以吃时，就不顾一切的把它们吃下。

我默默的告诉我自己，

当我可以吃任何事物的时候，

我一定要把美食都吞下肚！

我才不要怕胖而不吃！

我很爱吃甜品，可是爱吃的我却偏偏不能吃，

天啊~~~我好痛苦哦~~~

处心积虑

有时候我觉得人是不是都会有一点点的自虐倾向，

因为有些人为了让他们爱的人留在他们的身边多一会儿，

他们会处心积虑的用尽全身法术来把人留住。

可是试问他们的心里会不知道那个人的离开时迟早的事实吗？

他们真的那么天真的认为自己可以把想要离开的人留在他们的身边一辈子吗？

就算那些没有打算离开的人都有会离开的一天的可能了，

为什么他们会相信靠自己的力量可以把人留住？

当这个人真的离开的那一天，

他们醒觉的那一天，他们又会怨天怨地的说自己对那个人那么好，

为什么他们还要离开，他们好没有良心哦。

可是试问他们为什么没有检讨一下，如果你没有使尽浑身法术来把人留住；

他们很可能早就离开了。而你和他最后一起的时间也没有那么长了。

其实你已经得到补偿了，就是那一段比原来长的在一起的时间。

其实我觉得那个人有没有良心并不可以用离开还是不离开来衡量。

因为大家都有付出，分别在于付出一些什么。

This year is my year?

Because of my thyroid issues, I developed some severe side effects from the medications that I took because it inhibits the production of my white blood cells and caused me to have tonsillitis. I was admitted to the hospital for about 5 days and it should be longer actually. But I chose to just go home and rest because the fees were crazily high despite the fact that I'm using my medical card. 

Even though I was warned that I'm prone to infection and shouldn't go home, 

I still choose to go home. 

After all, my family went Genting during the hari raya holidays. 

So only my sister and I were at home and my sister was the one who took care of me primarily in that weekend.

Then, I rested at home for another week to really feel better and went for few follow-ups before I go to work in my dad's office. 

But the follow-up services were so poor and I wasn't properly informed of my treatment plan actually. I was angry but I choose not to say anything because I'm not going to continue my treatment there given their attitudes and services.

I was really grateful because Dr. Richard helped me to get an opportunity to seek for a second opinion from Dr. Foo for my thyroid issues. I was told that I don't have to go for an operation neccesarily because there is other option available. 

After the consultation, I have decided that I will be doing a radioactive iodine treatment because that's what they usually do according to Dr Foo. 

&

Hopefully the RAI treatment will work on me since it has a success rate of 90%. 

I don't want to be a minority any more because I was told that very few people developed the side effects that I had after taking the thyroid medications!

After the RAI treatment, I was told that I might have to isolate myself. 

Some people told me that I might be admitted while some people told me that I don't have to be admitted.

Hmm, will see how it goes when I go for the treatment on Monday, 03/08/2015.
and I really think that God has a time for everything in life.
My sister actually went traveling which allows me to quarantine myself in my own room and I don't have to worry about her/try to find out what we can do about me. 

Because of the treatment, I can't go report for work on 03/08/2015!

At first, I thought maybe I can go the next day, but if I were to isolate myself, that means I can't!

So, what do I do then?

The job that I found after so long and so much hardship might just leave me because of my health.

Then my dad told me that I should have asked to start work after all my treatments. 

Otherwise, find a new job if they don't allow. 

In my mind, I was thinking does my dad know how hard it is to find a job that I want?

But I know he cares for me and health is more important than anything else. 

Then, I emailed the person in charge and she didn't reply me until 3 days later. 

The reply was positive because the faculty agreed to let me start mid August!

Wow, that was really good news for me and when I told one of my friends, she said that this year is my year man! 

Despite a turmoil and stormy month I had, better things seemed to fall together. 

I read somewhere saying that

 "sometimes, good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

People often cry when good things fell apart and it was like the end of the world when it happens. I used to be like this too, I can't let go when good things fall apart because I want to hold on to them. Who doesn't? 

How can I let beautiful things go away from me, right?

But, it never really crossed my mind that maybe better things are coming and good things had to fall apart so that better things can fall together. 

I always thought that bad things are coming or forming because good thing fell apart.   

Well the reality is, that's not always the case.  

But balance, good and bad things will happen and maybe there's no such thing as good and bad too. It really depends on how we view things to be good or bad.

For me, being admitted to the hospital was such a bad thing for me because I felt so sad that my parents had to come and visit me and taking care of me. It didn't feel good being weak. 

At the same time, I also felt sorry because I'm making them feeling worried for me. 

But life goes on, I guess both good and bad things are going to happen continuously just like the yin and yang in life and it really depends on how you view them. Like me, I get to rest when I was admitted and it was really boring for me!

03/08/2015

I had the RAI treatment today and I have to quarantine myself till next Monday.
Also, the doctor told me that I will have to be on medications for a lifetime because RAI does destroy all my thyroid glands. And if this RAI didn't destroy all of them, I might have to repeat RAI after 6 months and it really depends on individuals.
Hopefully I can be cured with further RAI!
Hmm, rather than having to go for an operation, I think that RAI is better since both procedures will leave me having to be on medications for a lifetime.
Be positive! =)
这次还真的是先在家休息和可以无所事事的睡觉和看戏然后再开始工作了。

Blessing in Disguises

Well, it has been a difficult year for me, 

I'm turning 29, and what was happening through these few months weren't really exactly what I thought it would be...

I graduated from my masters last year, 

then I thought I would like to start my PhD and get a job.  

But, getting a decent job offer was difficult, 

there were interviews, but no news actually came back to me.

The amount of applications I made were really a lot that I actually lost count... 

I was so desperate last month that my friends and I scheduled a trip to Genting just to get drunk. 

*Iknowthisisnotagoodbehavior*

The reason was I have never been drunk, 

so I thought maybe getting drunk might help me to forget things that are happening now... like being jobless...

All my other friends were kinda employed and started working, 

I feel happy for them... But I also felt even more desperate...

Well I'm not exactly jobless, I know many people thought I do, 

but I was actually helping in my dad's office and doing some volunteering work.

Last month, there was also a moment that I just felt like leaving Malaysia and go for a long holiday maybe... 

But I quickly realized that trying to get away from all these is not a good idea, 

so I continued to send job applications...

Then, a "strange" part-time offer came in, it wasn't a good offer,
and things ended up quite awfully. 

I felt abandonment, so I was quite unhappy... 

Then this week, my birthday falls on a Friday, 12/6, and I'm turning 29 before I'm 30. 

On Monday, I received a call from a company and scheduled an interview on Tuesday, 

an email scheduling an interview on Thursday. 

Then I realized maybe losing the part-time job is a blessing in disguise. 

and I stopped feeling bad about it. 

But I was lost on Thursday and was late for my interview... 

*ohcrap*

Then,

on Thursday, 

I was officially diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and I started taking medications right away. 

But on that very evening, I received a call saying that my offer letter was out!

OH MY GOSH!!!

I was like what, another blessing in disguise? I really can't believe it!!!

Although things are unofficial for now, but I think it really is a blessing before I actually turned 29...

Then I told everyone who are close with me about this because it's so exciting!!!

My family also celebrated my 29th birthday on Thursday night itself, 

and I started thinking that can anyone's life get any better... 

*PraisetheLord*

Friday evening,my cousin told me about promotions in Marina Sand Bay Singapore since I'm going to Singapore next week for a conference. The promotion was really good and I will spend a night there. It was really a great promotion and I'm really excited about it right now. 

Again, could anyone's life be any better than this? 

All these blessings in disguise... How can I not love it? 

Just like the Chinese idiom, 塞翁失马，焉知非福.
At the same time, I am reminding myself of being moderate and to avoid 乐极生悲.
After all, I am beginning to be independent finally. =)

On Friday night, I went dinner with my friends and we had a wonderful night together!

Therefore, here I am at 1:13am, not asleep, I know this is not good for my health, so I better finish this fast and move on...

This is me, making a wish, hopefully,
the dreams come true day will come to us at the right moment. =)

This was such a memorable week for me because there were so many ups and downs,

what I actually learned from this experience was to Be Grateful of everything we have and what we faced each day because we never really know whether these are blessings in disguise/an experience that help us grow...

It's just that we have not realized it in the way it should be...
If you believe that everything happen in our life for a reason...

Have faith, 

everything will get better each day. 

Faith.

p/s: This is another counting my blessings post. I think I will keep doing this.

健康...

从去年到今年，我有感觉到我比较容易感冒，生病；

所以我一直都有说要运动，以保持身体健康。

去年，我没有达成定期运动的目标，

所以我今年当然要再接再厉啊。。。

还有，我也决定了要看一个好的中医来调理身体，

毕竟我长期都一直觉得我在疲累当中。

当我和Lai Ying提起这件事时，

她说她的家人和她有在看一个中医，

觉得他很好，可以介绍给我，

她还帮我一起预约，然后一起到中医那里看一看。

中医用电脑把我把脉后，

他就拿了一个彩色头脑的平面图给我看，

他说，我的身体不够血,

血流不到脑的后面，

所以有时很难入睡，或是睡着了以后不容易醒，

就是会睡到很久，不醒。。。

虽然我只是默默的说哦，

可是我的心里在想，天啊，他怎么会知道？

我都不会和别人说这些啊。

而且，我只是觉得自己爱睡，和爱赖床啊。

原来是我的身体有这样的问题，

而不是我自己太爱睡觉的关系。

他也说，如果我不好好照顾身体;

最后，我可能会落得一头白发。。。

还有，我的皮肤会变得很黄。。。

说话也不可以大声，

做事要慢一点。。。

可是对我来说却很难，

因为对于可以搞定的工作，我都会要很快的把这些事情做完，

以无后患之忧。。。

可是他说，如果我继续这样，

那我很可能会早年中风，还是半身的那种，

因为我的身体有一边比较弱。。。

其实过年前我就想要做blood test了，

可是太忙啦。。。但是一想到gst,在Jusco看到bp health lab有在做宣传时，

我立刻现场问了价钱以后就决定要给钱，然后去验血，

而且他们连星期日都有开啊~~~

这简直就是太好了，

现场还有在帮顾客免费做Body Composition Analysis,

我想做一做也无妨啊。。。

可是出来的结果令我很。很。很。很。很震撼~~~

我的overall fitness score还只有58分，

就是不及格的意思。。。

当然还有很多其他问题。

我从来就没有想到过我的健康指数会那么的底，

毕竟我还是20几岁啊~~~

我的心里一直想，

怎。么。可。能！

但是事实就是这样。

还有，检查出来我的protein level & mineral level都底过标准值，
可是我吃很多鱼肉、猪肉、和鸡肉的啊。。。
每一餐都一定有肉的啊，
除了早餐。
这时，

我就想起了中医和我说我的身体消化不到鱼肉，

鱼肉不就是protein吗~~~

那个中医太厉害了吧。。。

虽然我想了要开始运动来维持健康很久了，

但是从来就没有真正的开始过，

但是从这个星期的开始，

我真的要开始了~~~

其实我想一想，

我扑心扑命的为了一间从来就不会是我的的公司认真工作了很多年，

也从来不求回报、加薪、和升职，

那我是为了什么？

得到的就是虚弱的身体，和被人唱衰，

还要嫌弃我认真的工作态度，

那我其实真的是在为什么？

想到这，

我掉了不少眼泪。。。

其实我只是被人利用了吗？

为什么？

我做了那么多年，无公都有劳吧？

我的时间，我的精力，

那少少的钱。。。

真的让我扑心扑命的工作的原因吗？