what you want vs. what you need

I discovered something that I think I should have discovered them long time ago recently. 

To put them in simple words, it was realizing that what you want and think that it was good for you might not actually be the best for you and you actually don't need it.

Nowadays, I sincerely believed that God has a time for everything and before you are ready, the time for what you want might not come to you or might not happen at all.

Maybe you just have to get ready for the things that you wanted to happen so that you're ready when it does happen.  

Yet, I shuddered whenever I think about it because I'm worried that my ultimate goal might not happen at all. 

But there's no point worrying something that's so... should I say far? No, maybe something distant, no, hmm, I can't find the right word because I'm moving towards it in my own pace because I really want it to happen. Perhaps God is trying to arrange a time for it to happen too.      

At the same time,
 I don't mean that you can do nothing and wait for something miracle to happen in your life

although miracles do happen, I believed in it without any doubt. 

But maybe, the reason that what I wanted the most in my life didn't happen because I wasn't ready for it. There is this "one" thing that I have always wanted "it" to happen in my life because I think that "it" eventually makes me one step closer to the "ultimate goal" in my life and that's definitely a dream come true for me.
I think I'll be the happiest person on earth the day it happens.

I'm not going to say what are they. 

But I have to say that the "ultimate goal" has been in my mind since I was pretty young till today, probably when I was around 13 or 14. I don't remember when did it happen exactly but it was definitely before I turned 15.

I didn't really tell anyone about it other than my family members until recently. 

Maybe because I'm in my process of individuation and I don't feel awkward about telling it to some of my friends anymore and I don't care about what they might think of me after telling them about  what's my "ultimate goal". 

and YES, I'm not going to type it out publicly here because I wasn't ready and I can admit this.    

So maybe, I was just not ready before and I'm going towards being ready for "that" to happen because I came across something online saying that "what you think may be the right answer is actually not the best one." I think that maybe the same scenario is happening in my life where what I think I want and the right answer on my life is actually not the best one for me and maybe, God knows what's better for me and I am actually getting what's the best for me rather than what I think is good for me. 

I don't know. 

Because I will continue to work on getting to my "ultimate goal" and if God allows it, 

it might just mean that I was ready for it and that's what's best for me.  

This year is my year?

Because of my thyroid issues, I developed some severe side effects from the medications that I took because it inhibits the production of my white blood cells and caused me to have tonsillitis. I was admitted to the hospital for about 5 days and it should be longer actually. But I chose to just go home and rest because the fees were crazily high despite the fact that I'm using my medical card. 

Even though I was warned that I'm prone to infection and shouldn't go home, 

I still choose to go home. 

After all, my family went Genting during the hari raya holidays. 

So only my sister and I were at home and my sister was the one who took care of me primarily in that weekend.

Then, I rested at home for another week to really feel better and went for few follow-ups before I go to work in my dad's office. 

But the follow-up services were so poor and I wasn't properly informed of my treatment plan actually. I was angry but I choose not to say anything because I'm not going to continue my treatment there given their attitudes and services.

I was really grateful because Dr. Richard helped me to get an opportunity to seek for a second opinion from Dr. Foo for my thyroid issues. I was told that I don't have to go for an operation neccesarily because there is other option available. 

After the consultation, I have decided that I will be doing a radioactive iodine treatment because that's what they usually do according to Dr Foo. 

&

Hopefully the RAI treatment will work on me since it has a success rate of 90%. 

I don't want to be a minority any more because I was told that very few people developed the side effects that I had after taking the thyroid medications!

After the RAI treatment, I was told that I might have to isolate myself. 

Some people told me that I might be admitted while some people told me that I don't have to be admitted.

Hmm, will see how it goes when I go for the treatment on Monday, 03/08/2015.
and I really think that God has a time for everything in life.
My sister actually went traveling which allows me to quarantine myself in my own room and I don't have to worry about her/try to find out what we can do about me. 

Because of the treatment, I can't go report for work on 03/08/2015!

At first, I thought maybe I can go the next day, but if I were to isolate myself, that means I can't!

So, what do I do then?

The job that I found after so long and so much hardship might just leave me because of my health.

Then my dad told me that I should have asked to start work after all my treatments. 

Otherwise, find a new job if they don't allow. 

In my mind, I was thinking does my dad know how hard it is to find a job that I want?

But I know he cares for me and health is more important than anything else. 

Then, I emailed the person in charge and she didn't reply me until 3 days later. 

The reply was positive because the faculty agreed to let me start mid August!

Wow, that was really good news for me and when I told one of my friends, she said that this year is my year man! 

Despite a turmoil and stormy month I had, better things seemed to fall together. 

I read somewhere saying that

 "sometimes, good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

People often cry when good things fell apart and it was like the end of the world when it happens. I used to be like this too, I can't let go when good things fall apart because I want to hold on to them. Who doesn't? 

How can I let beautiful things go away from me, right?

But, it never really crossed my mind that maybe better things are coming and good things had to fall apart so that better things can fall together. 

I always thought that bad things are coming or forming because good thing fell apart.   

Well the reality is, that's not always the case.  

But balance, good and bad things will happen and maybe there's no such thing as good and bad too. It really depends on how we view things to be good or bad.

For me, being admitted to the hospital was such a bad thing for me because I felt so sad that my parents had to come and visit me and taking care of me. It didn't feel good being weak. 

At the same time, I also felt sorry because I'm making them feeling worried for me. 

But life goes on, I guess both good and bad things are going to happen continuously just like the yin and yang in life and it really depends on how you view them. Like me, I get to rest when I was admitted and it was really boring for me!

03/08/2015

I had the RAI treatment today and I have to quarantine myself till next Monday.
Also, the doctor told me that I will have to be on medications for a lifetime because RAI does destroy all my thyroid glands. And if this RAI didn't destroy all of them, I might have to repeat RAI after 6 months and it really depends on individuals.
Hopefully I can be cured with further RAI!
Hmm, rather than having to go for an operation, I think that RAI is better since both procedures will leave me having to be on medications for a lifetime.
Be positive! =)
这次还真的是先在家休息和可以无所事事的睡觉和看戏然后再开始工作了。